


Beginning and Breaking

by LaFortunaVelutLuna



Series: And He Told Me I Was Holy... [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Embarrassment, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-06-07 22:41:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6828121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaFortunaVelutLuna/pseuds/LaFortunaVelutLuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec has lost his virginity to Magnus and his body has yet to meet up with his brain and emotions. Thankfully, Izzy and Jace are there to help him through it- each in their own different ways...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here we have the prologue in the three part series: how Alec ended up going to Jace for help.

Alec walked into the Institute, wincing with each step as he tried to make it back to his room without anybody stopping him. It wasn't like the fact he was dating Magnus was some kind of secret (especially after making out with him at his wedding in front of the Clave) but that didn't mean the Shadowhunter was quite ready to be as open about his midnight rendezvous's as his sister was about hers.

"And just where have you been?" a sharp voiced bellowed with a teasing tone.

 _Speak of the she-devil..._ Alec thought to himself, carefully turning around and facing his sister.

Izzy was still clad in her pajamas, complete with fuzzy slippers and a matching eye mask. No doubt she had chosen to rise just in time to give her older a hard time about his date with Magnus, no doubt followed by an interrogation asking for juicy details.

She looked up at her older brother and grinned. "Well? How's Magnus?"

"I-I, he um... Fine" the archer stuttered, not able to look her in the eye "He is fine, _we_ are fine. Thank you for asking... Um, good night- or good morning, or whatever..."

"That's it?" she hedged "I tell you everything and you're not even going to drop a few hints about how last night went?!?"

Blood rushed to Alec's cheeks. "Wh-what do you mean? I have no idea what you're talking about..."

"Oh, please" Izzy sighed, rolling her eyes "I know the walk of shame when I see it- especially after the loss of one's virginity... Congratulations, by the way! Plus, the massive hickey just below your ear, the lack of eye contact, not to the mention the awkward waddle as you stride by. I have something that might help, I know the first time I tried anal-"

Alec slapped a hand over his sister's mouth before she could say anymore; the last thing he wanted to hear was the details of his sister's sex life, not to mention somebody could walk by at any minute. The last thing he needed was someone at the Institute mentioning this conversation to his mother the next time she visited.

"Izzy, if we have to talk about this then can we at least do it somewhere private?!?" he hissed, still covering her mouth.

She grinned and gently removed his hand. "I promise not to say another word if you at least tell me how it went. And it won't go any further than me- I swear on Raziel!"

Truth be told, Alec did kind of want to talk about what happened. Izzy wasn't going to be a very helpful source on gay sex but she definitely knew enough about the actual act that she might be able to shed some insight, and best of all- Alec knew she would keep their conversation to herself.

"Okay, fine- let's go to your room"

Isabelle squealed and reached for her brother's hand, dragging him into her bedroom and pushing him towards the bed. She rustled through her drawers and pulled out a small jar before marching over to her brother and handing it to him.

"Use this topically; it'll help reduce swelling and with your iratze you should be good in a few hours- long before Jace has a chance to tease you for walking crooked"

He smiled at his sister. "Thanks, Izzy"

She smiled back and jumped onto the bed, bouncing several times and criss crossing her legs.

"So, how'd it go?!? Was Magnus gentle? Did he light candles and make everything romantic? Or was it all rushed? Did you guys go through out the night or what? I'm dying over here!"

_Alec fell on top of his boyfriend, quickly bracing himself on his forearms so Magnus didn't take the brunt of his weight. Unfortunately, the warlock wasn't happy with his decision._

_"Come back here" he growled, pulling the Shadowhunter in for another kiss._

_The younger man was careful not to lean too close. "I don't want to hurt you"_

_This earned him a smirk and a raised eyebrow. "Trust me, darling: it will take a lot more than a the muscular heft of a very talented Shadowhunter to hurt me._

Alec couldn't bring himself to share her enthusiasm. It had been good, better than he'd imagined but it had also been over embarrassingly fast. Not that Magnus had minded, of course; he'd taken great joy in making his lover rise to the occasion again and again only to keep pushing Alec over the edge until he'd collapsed. 

_"Holy.. by the Angel- Magnus! Fuck, fucking shit- ah!"_

_The warlock couldn't help but grin as his young lover shouted and moaned as he serviced him with his mouth; it had been so long since he had done this with someone of such youth. Alec's innocence and inexperience was awakening parts of himself that had been dormant for decades; a simple blowjob was already pushing the young Shadowhunter toward the edge and they had only just started. Magnus longed for the days when it had been this easy to be satisfied._

_"Oh, oh, shit, I'm... Magnus, Magnus- stop! I'm gonna-"_

_If the saucy little shit thought an orgasm would scare him off... The warlock took the rest of him all the way into his mouth until the remnants of Alec's pleasure slid down the back of Magnus's throat._

_"That was amazing" he mumbled to himself, sounding cum drunk._

"It- it was good" he admitted, adjusting the way he sat on his ass "Really good. Magnus was great but I- I don't, it..."

The youngest Lightwood could see her brother struggling and reached out to hold his hands. "Alec, what is it? Did something happen?"

He shook his head and felt tears breaching the corner of his eyelids in humiliation. "He was good, so good- Magnus was fucking amazing. He knew what he was doing, it's like he knew exactly when and where to touch me- it's like I was some kind of instrument he knew how to play perfectly and it was so, so great..."

Izzy gave him a gentle smile. "So what's wrong then?"

_"Slowly, Alexander" Magnus instructed, sounding tense._

_Alec nodded, trying to enter him as slowly as possible. "I'm trying, I just... God, you're so tight!"_

_The Shadowhunter could have sworn he heard a chuckle, moments before he bottomed out and slid home. Alec stilled and took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself down and not reach his climax right away._

_"Alec, what's wrong?" the warlock asked, squeezing his arm._

_The archer refused to open his eyes: one look of his boyfriend spread out beneath him and he would be done._

_"Nothing, I- I'm trying..." he breathed again "I'm trying to calm down a bit. I don't- I don't want to finish right away."_

_Magnus reached out for his lover's face. "It's okay, love- it's your first time, I don't expect you to hold out for very long. Just enjoy yourself and I will, too. Now come on: come for me, Alexander"_

_Alec would have been fine if the man beneath him hadn't started to grind his hips and thrust downwards. The friction was a delicious torment and the younger man gave up; he held the warlock's hips in a death grip and began pistoning in and out- only lasting several seconds before he exploded inside of his paramour._

"I sucked" he stated, bluntly "I didn't know what I was doing. He- he told me that it was okay, that he wanted me to just try but... it was awful! I was like some fumbling mundane schoolboy that didn't know up from down and I- we took turns with each other, but I couldn't keep up with him. I came in like, a minute... It was so fucking embarrassing!"

Alec expected a lecture some from his little sister, a treatise on how to please a man and telling him not to cry. Instead, he felt warm arms surrounding his shoulders as Izzy squeezed him tight- giving her big brother a hug and trying to comfort him as best she could.

"Alec? Can I tell you a secret?" she whispered.

He nodded into her hair; the comforting scent of rose oil and jasmine filled his nostrils as he held his sibling close.

"You have to look at me" she said, pulling back.

The archer tried not to cry when he saw the sympathy and understanding in her eyes. Izzy squeezed his hands once more and smiled.

"Whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, mundane, seelie, warlock, shadowhunter- the fact is: _everybody's_ first time sucks"

He shook his head in disbelief. "Not Jace. Jace said-"

"Jace lied" she insisted, firmly "Nobody's first time is perfect. Sex- or making love as I'm sure Magnus calls it, is an art and art has to be practiced. Do you think I got as good as I am by sitting around and twirling my whip? You think Magnus is amazing in bed because he spent the last few centuries reading instruction manuals?"

The image made Alec laugh, temporarily stopping the waterworks he had managed to work himself into.

"Believe it or not, you're lucky" Izzy insisted "You have a kind, patient, caring and understanding partner who loves you. And from what it sounds like, Magnus just wants you to enjoy yourself- he wants to feel and learn and see for yourself what to do. And I'm sorry, bro but even for Shadowhunter's that takes time."

_Alec's eyes were tightly closed and his breath came in harsh gasps. Magnus was seated deeply inside of him, completely still and waiting for the go ahead from his partner._

_"Alexander?" he whispered "Talk to me; are you alright?"_

_He nodded quickly, his eyes still closed. "I think, it's just... it hurts- I mean it stings, but it also feels good. It's like, it's really full but you're hitting something and it's...By the Angel!"_

_"Shh," the warlock cooed "It's alright, love. I know- it's a little overwhelming at first... Just take your time, darling. Let me know when you're ready, I can wait"_

"But I didn't do a good job, I didn't-"

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood" she snapped, sounding like their mom "Did Magnus at any point during sex laugh at you?"

"No, but-"

"Did he tell you that you were a failure or that he was wasting his time?"

"No, but-"

"Did he say that he wasn't enjoying himself?"

"Well, not exactly-"

"Did he orgasm at any point during the night?"

_"Oh fuck, Alexander!" Magnus shouted, digging his fingernails into the headboard._

_Alec grinned; no wonder Jace was a cocky fuck- dominant sex was such a power trip..._

_"Yes, keep going" the warlock begged, pushing his ass further out "Fuck me, Alec!"_

_The Shadowhunter did as he was asked; the first three orgasms had taken the edge off and his stamina rune was still going strong. He wondered how much longer Magnus could take before he exploded._

_"Cum for me" he whispered, reaching down and stroking his lover to completion._

_"Fuck!"_

Alec flinched. "Umm... a couple of times, but-"

"No buts!" she hissed "Everything that happened to you last night was completely normal, better than normal- if you want my opinion. And these emotions that you are feeling? Also, completely normal! You just shared a very private part of your soul and body to somebody last night for the first time, not to mention to somebody that you love. Your hormones are all over the place and your endorphins have kicked in; what you have is a recipe for a very confused and unstable newly non-virgin. Just give it a bit; everything will settle, you will feel better, you and Magnus will sleep together again and you, my dear brother, will in time become better in bed until your reputation rivals mine!"

The Shadowhunter doubted that would ever be true but he nodded anyways, grateful that his sister had been there for him.

"Thanks, Izzy" he said, giving his sister a hug "Really, I mean it."

"I know, big brother" she replied smiling into his shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little background on how and when Alec discovered pain could alleviate his anxiety, and how Jace got involved

This was insanity. Less than three weeks and so much shit had hit the fan that Alec felt like he was living in a sewer. His mother had come for a 'visit' only to nag and judge him for everything except breathing, Izzy had 'voluntarily' broken up with Meliorn to help raise the family name while Jace and Clary avoided each other like the plague, not yet comfortable with being siblings. And if that wasn't bad enough; Simon was uneven ground with the rest of the vampires after letting Camille go free and Raphael was on the warpath- heading straight for the fledgling while Jocelyn was so busy trying find Valentine that she completely ignored Luke, who was as usual standing by and waiting for her. 

"Alexander?"

He looked down at Magnus and grinned; the warlock was lying against his bare abdomen, cuddling in the cutest of ways after yet another day inside the loft. They'd always planned to go out on dates but rarely ever made it passed the front door.

"You're a million miles away" the older man observed.

"Sorry," Alec replied "I just, I've got a lot on my mind... I swear you turn your back for two minutes and everything goes to hell. My siblings are depressed, half of the downworld is running around like chickens with their heads cut off, I'm still playing middle man for the Institute and the Clave-"

Magnus cut him off with a kiss, smirking when the Nephilim tried to follow his lips for more.

"You worry too much about the others. You need to focus on yourself sometimes, enjoy the lazy moments when you can."

The older man sat up and removed the sheet protecting his boyfriend's modesty, smirking when the Shadowhunter's body came into view. If the warlock had one weakness to speak of, it would be his boyfriend's body. The way Alec's muscles corded around his entire body- from his strong arms hardened by the years of archery or the sturdy tendons of his legs that tightened when his legs were wrapped around his lover's waist... Yes, Magnus Bane took great joy in staring at his boyfriend's body.

"You look like you've just unwrapped a present" Alec said, bashfully.

The Asian raised a brow and smirked. "That's because I have. In fact, I think I'd like to play with my present now... What do you say, Alexander?"

"Yes, yes, yes: a million times, yes!" he replied, enthusiastically.

For whatever reason, Magnus insisted on hearing the word each time they made love. And once was never enough; the warlock had to hear it several times before moving forward, admitting that he had to be sure that Alec wanted it. He had to be positive that Alec wanted this and he wasn't just seducing him into the act.

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, you can touch me" he said, gritting his teeth.

Alec was prepared for an assault on his body, waiting for Magnus to pounce and ravish him within an inch of consciousness.

"Mmm, my wonderful Alexander"

Alas, the warlock once again decided that this wasn't the right time to rush headlong into pleasure. Magnus pressed a gentle kiss against his lover's rib cage and Alec groaned, shutting his eyes and bracing himself for yet another night of 'love-making'.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

As usual, Alec walked back into the Institute the next morning- his routine of going to Magnus's and not coming back until the sun had risen was no longer an event, nobody stared at him or whispered as he walked through the hallways anymore. Nevertheless, that didn't make this feeling of inner turmoil any easier. 

What was wrong with him?

It seemed like every time he slept with Magnus, or rather- after every time he slept with Magnus, a feeling of disgust ran through his veins. Not towards the warlock or what they were doing; no, Alex was very happy with his boyfriend and their relationship. The repulsion echoing in his head with every beat of his heart was purely for himself, for who he was as an individual.

He had failed in everyone in every possible way: he was a pathetic excuse for a son, the closeted warrior who did everything for his parents only to turn around and throw it back in their faces with a kiss like Judas. A disgrace of a brother; falling in love with Jace and then turning his back on him when Izzy was in trouble with Clave- Izzy.. Poor Izzy. Changing her hair, her make-up, and her clothes in an effort to better the family name- only to have Alec ruin everything when he called off the wedding. And even worse he had Magnus when she had nobody- for the first time in a very long time Isabelle Lightwood had nobody to call her lover. Nobody seelie or otherwise would touch the beauty for fear of the Clave's wrath- yet, here was Alec strolling through the hallways of the Institute after another rendezvous with Magnus.

He didn't deserve this, he hadn't _earned_ it...

Maybe Izzy could help him again, maybe he could talk to her about him and his self doubt. She'd said he could always talk to her and she'd been so helpful the last time they'd talked.

Alec strode toward his little sister's room and knocked gently before entering, not waiting for an answer. What he saw felt like a punch in the gut; Izzy was on her bed, still clad in pajamas and surrounded by a mountain of used tissue. The brunette's hair was up in a messy topknot and her face was completely void of make-up. Had she woken up crying? Or worse; had she been crying all night and unable to sleep?

"Izzy, by the angel!" he exclaimed, running to her side and wrapping her a hug.

Isabelle snuggled into her older brother's embrace and cried into his neck. "I th-thought I'd be over this by now, b-but I... I hate this"

"What is it?" he asked, rubbing her back in circles "What's wrong, Izzy?"

She leaned and grabbed another tissue to blow her nose. "I hate this, I hate being alone! None of the Downworlder's will talk to me because they are afraid they're going to end up like Meliorn. Clary is off helping her mom and Simon is so caught up in this vampire business that he doesn't even cast me a second glance anymore. Normally, I'd just stick with you and Jace but now he's always off moping and in no mood to talk and you're never around anymore..."

Being stabbed with a seraph blade wouldn't have hurt as much as that did. "I-I'm sorry, Izzy! I'll stick around more often, I promise! I'll ask Magnus to come here or he can spend a few nights alone- maybe he could go on vacation for awhile while you and I-"

"Alec Lightwood, don't you dare!" she pouted, her bloodshot eyes adding effect "You have kept that poor warlock hanging for long enough, there is no need to push him away now. And I didn't mean it like that- I don't mind that you are off spending time with your boyfriend, it's actually nice seeing you happy for a change. I'm just saying, I'm used to being the center of attention. I'm used to being the one causing trouble or being the prettiest or being the diversion but now... it's like I don't have a place anymore. Like I don't belong"

"You belong, Izzy. You belong, right here" Alec insisted, squeezing into an even tighter hug.

Isabelle squeezed him back. "Thank you, big brother"

"Anytime, I mean it. You helped me and I'm here to do the same" he promised "Say, you know Magnus was talking about going shopping this afternoon? Maybe you could tag along with him and pick up a few things? I know shopping always makes you feel better"

The 's' word and suddenly Izzy was up and prepping for her morning routine. "Oh yes! Could you please call him for me? I'm going to have to shower and put on my make-up and decide what to wear and, by the Angel! My hair is a mess! Tell Magnus this will take two hours at least, but I'd love to see him!"

Alec smiled and left her to get ready in peace. He grabbed his phone and dialed the warlock's number, hoping he wouldn't mind an extra pair of hands in the boutiques.

"Alexander" Magnus cooed "I woke up and you weren't in bed, darling... What is your excuse?"

"I need you to take Izzy shopping today" Alex replied, changing the subject "She is really down and, like you, shopping always makes her feel better."

Magnus laughed. "Of course, I will take her out! But, you are going to have to owe me..."

The Shadowhunter groaned. "What will it be this time? A kiss in the middle of Central Park? A spa day with you me and your nixie friends?"

"No, you silly Nephilim" he chuckled "Simply a day in bed with you, this weekend. Just us, the bed, and maybe a few movies- just a day where we can breathe and get away from it all"

_And no doubt half a day of lazy sex..._ Alec thought to himself, glumly.

"Of course, Magnus!" he replied with fake cheer "I'll see you later"

"I love you, my beautiful Alexander" 

The older man disconnected the call and once again Alec felt that familiar feeling rising up in his core; the feeling that The High Warlock of Brooklyn was contaminating himself by immersing his being with Alec's polluted soul. The archer felt like running, he felt like vomiting, he felt pulling the hair from his scalp one by one until there was nothing left and he could tear the skin away from his skull. 

Izzy said it would change, these feelings he had- but they'd only gotten stronger as time had gone on. And now those emotions that had been simmering underneath the surface were boiling over and a few minutes away from exploding. He had to make this stop! He needed someone to make this stop...

He had to find Jace.

Running down the hallway to the blonde's door, Alec banged impatiently as his breathing accelerated- a full scale panic attack on its way.

"What the f- Alec? What is your problem?" his parabatai asked, clearly annoyed.

"Uh, c-can we spar?" the archer asked, trying to sound calm.

Jace rolled his eyes. "No. I'm kind of busy trying to figure out what the hell Valentine is planning and I still have Clary to deal with. So if you could kindly, leave me alone-"

"I can't!" Alec insisted, his hands shaking "Please, fight with me! Meet me in the training room in ten minutes"

The older Shadowhunter spun around to leave when a strong hand gripped his wrist, stopping him dead in his tracks.

"What is with you?" the blonde inquired "And why are you shaking like that?"

The brunette hadn't realized that the nervous energy had spread throughout his entire body; it wasn't just his hands vibrating with worry now, everything seemed to be shaking.

"I-I uh, I just... I need, um-"

"You know what?" he interrupted "Come inside- you and I are going to talk"

Alec slid by his parabatai and stood against the wall, relieved to be one step closer to getting what he needed. Maybe if he made Jace angry enough- no, maybe if he begged enough, they could fight in here.

"Bed" Jace directed "Sit and explain"

The soldier's words caught him by surprise but he listened, too unfocused to do anything else. Alec sat on the edge of the bed and began playing with his hands, uncertain of what exactly Jace was asking of him.

"You saw Magnus last night, didn't you?" he inquired "And by 'saw', I'm trying to be sensitive"

Alec nodded, not able to look his comrade in the eye- no doubt, innuendo and mockery would follow.

"I don't get it" Jace admitted, his arms crossed "You've been doing this for weeks! Every time you get back after spending the night at Magnus's place, you come back looking for a fight. If not with me, then with someone else. And even weirder, you're not even really fighting! It's like, you dance around and throw a few punches but you never really dodge my blows"

The archer sat quiet, unable to deny what Jace was obviously already piecing together.

"At first, I thought it was a coincidence. Maybe you just get a little sex drunk and can't focus, maybe fighting helps you get back in the zone- but, no! It's more than that, it's almost like you're asking to get hit, like you want to be hurt"

Alec's frightened whimper was all the blonde needed to confirm his suspicions.

"Is that it, Alec? Do you enjoy getting hurt? I mean, do you want be hurt by someone?"

It was a simple question, one that didn't require an elaborate answer so the brunette just nodded.

"Ok, then why not go to Magnus? Why not tell him you need a little pain to refocus?"

"No!" Alec shouted, standing up "You can't tell him! He can never know this- promise me you won't tell him!"

Jace back up, shocked. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't mean-"

"Our relationship isn't like that!" Alec interrupted "He can never know about this... He just, he cares so much and I- I can't always have that, you know? And sometimes, sometimes the pain grounds me when I can't really deal with things but it doesn't work by myself so when somebody is involved like sparring then I can-"

"Alec, shut up" Jace commanded.

He ceased his babbling and sat back down, waiting for the other shoe to drop. He buried his head in his hands, too ashamed to look at his brother. Jace was probably silently laughing at him, or worse- disgusted with his admission.

"What I meant was, why not ask for it in general?" Jace clarified "You don't want to go to Magnus then fine, go to somebody else and ask them to help you? Don't just stand around and wait for everybody to come to you- sometimes you need to take the first step."

Meaning what, exactly? Was he supposed to just come out with it? Ask to be punched in the face or something?

"I want you to hurt me" Alec admitted.

Jace's eyebrows reached his hairline and he shook his head to clear it, as if he'd just hallucinated.

"I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

The archer took a deep breath and squeezed his hands once more. "I said: I want you to hurt me"

Well that was easier than he thought it would be...

"Alright, how?"

Alec's head shot up in shock- surely this was a joke! There was no way his parabatai was _actually_ okay with what he'd just said.

"Wait, that's it?" he asked "You're not going to ask me why or how could I possibly want that or what's wrong with me?"

Jace shrugged. "Do you want me to ask you? If you'd rather talk-"

"No, no, no, no... I just expected more... resistance, that's all."

The blonde sighed, not wanting to get into it. "Alec, we're parabatai- we're connected, remember? Our hearts beat as one and we feel as single being... I can sense your turmoil, that horrid feeling that runs through your veins every morning? I can feel it- it's like an oily residue I can't wipe away from my blood no matter how much I try. But once you've had a fight, once you've dealt with these feelings of yours, they go away- for me, too. It's horrible to feel the distaste that you do but it's even worse to see you in pain because of it. So, if I can help in any way- then I'm willing to do it. Just as long as I don't have to touch your dick or anything"

Alec shook his head adamantly. "No, it's- it's not like that- not sexual, I mean. It's just pain"

"Okay, then get comfy- we are going to have a discussion on limits"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Finale
> 
> admittedly not as long as the other chapters but just as important to the story and how we got there.

"First and foremost, do you have any serious limits as to what you DEFINITELY don't want?"

Alec shrugged, not looking Jace in the eye. "I'm fine with anything..."

"Really?" the blonde asked, cocking an eyebrow "So you'd be okay with me dragging you down to the middle of the Institute, beating you in front of everybody and then pissing and shitting all over you?"

The image made the archer recoil in disgust. "What?!? NO!"

He nodded, satisfied. "Mm-hmm, and that is exactly why we need to establish some boundaries. Now think, Alec- even if it takes you some time; is there anything you don't like doing with Magnus? Anything that you won't be comfortable with me doing to you? Think..."

The tranquility of Jace's room combined with the knowledge that his parabatai was right there, ready to help and watching him created a safety net for his thoughts. He took a few minutes and made a short list, certain he could add more limits later.

"Um, I don't want you having sex with me- or any kind of sexual contact at all..."

"Okay, I'm more than alright with that" the Shadowhunter agreed "Anything else?" 

Alec looked uncomfortable, embarrassed to admit he was disgusted with what should have been a perfectly normal desire.

"Alec" his brother warned "Words- use them. Speak up and tell me what is going through your head. I won't judge you- I promise"

The brunette struggled to articulate his feelings, his tongue tripping over the words that should have been able to flow from his mouth- this was Jace, this was his parabatai.

"I, um... I don't like it- I mean, I don't want you to um..." Alec stammered "I don't want you to... praise me, I guess. I don't want compliments or admiration"

The soldier shrugged. "I'm okay with the no praise thing, but I'm reserving the right to check in with you here and there to see how you're doing. Understood?"

"Yes. And um, I want to decide what you punish me with... It's just, some days I need a little of something and then others I need a full on fight but sometimes-"

"It's okay, Alec" Jace insisted "You don't have to explain... Is there something else you'd like to discuss?"

"Nothing I can think of. You?"

Jace nodded and held up his fingers, ticking rules off the list as he went. "One: no permanent or semi-permanent injuries that can't be healed with an iratze- speaking of which... Two: that is part of the deal, if and or whenever I hurt you that means I fix you up afterwards. Three: this is NEVER spoken about when it's not just the two of us. Four: if I think something is too dangerous or I'm just not comfortable with it then I'm saying no, a right you have as well. Five: I don't care how deep we get into this, both of us can stop at any time. Six: you need to take care of yourself after we are through. That means you shower, eat well, clean yourself up and do your best to keep going- that means coming back to me if you need this again. I don't want you going to some Downworlder kink club, or worse trying to do this on your own and causing some serious damage. Am I understood?"

"Yes, completely" Alec replied "And I agree, to all of it... Can we start now?"

"Hold up. Is there something specific that you need? I mean do you want me just to use my hands or-"

"You can use your hands" the archer decided "Or your belt or whatever you feel is best, I'm pretty open right now"

Jace clenched his jaw as if preparing for battle. "Alright then, stand up"

Alec did as he was told, feeling ridiculous standing in the middle of his parabatai's bedroom. Suddenly his legs were too long, his arms and his torso took up too much space and his lungs began to feel too small for his massive body. The Shadowhunter began to hyperventilate, another anxiety attack racing toward him-

_Smack!_

The brunette hissed, his bare arm stinging at the swat he had just received from Jace's hand. 

"Quit overthinking this" he commanded "And get down on your knees"

Alec scrambled to obey, his bony joints hitting the bedroom floor with a loud 'thunk'.

"The belt is coming next, you got it?"

He nodded, bracing himself for the desired bite of his brother's leather. Jace pulled the implement from his pant loops and swung it back and forth several times, making sure he had enough momentum going before snapping his wrist and making contact with the archer's shoulder blades.

The older Lightwood whined; it wasn't enough, he couldn't feel it!

"Can I take my shirt off?" he asked, hesitantly "I- I just, it's not strong enough and-"

"Go ahead" Jace interrupted, setting the belt against his leg.

Alec pulled the cotton tee over his head and threw it somewhere near the bed, nodding when he was ready. His brother braced legs and cracked the belt one more time, noting how the brunette in front of him tensed and then relaxed after the leather met his skin. So Jace did it again... and again, and again, and again.

By now, the eldest Shadowhunter was gasping for air- his anxiety and worry was gone, he was present and he was grounded. The pain clawing across the dermis of his back was drawing his attention away from everything else.

"You good?" Jace asked, taking a few deep breaths himself.

The soldier in front of him shook his head. "I need something more"

"Okay" he acquiesced "What else do you want?"

His hand- no, wait... Some rope, but where would they get rope? A seraph bla- no, that could be permanent.. What about a- no, they couldn't! Ten million possibilities were creating a cyclone in Alec's head and he couldn't make up his mind; it was just another decision he had to make, another weight on his soldiers, another thing he couldn't do- one more thing he couldn't fucking handle!

"I don't know!" he cried out.

Jace saw his terror and ran forward to grab his parabatai's jaw, dragging his head upward.

"Look at me, Alec!" he shouted "Stop, just stop! No more thinking... I'm deciding from here on out- are you listening?"

All the brunette could do was nod in response; this he could do, this he could focus on.

The blonde loosened his grip. "I'm going to go over there and grab one of my old weapon belt's. The end is frayed and should work pretty well as a flogger, okay?"

Once again Alec nodded and waited for Jace to return to him, within seconds he felt something hard pressing in between his shoulder blades.

"Bend over and put your forehead to the ground" 

He did as he was told, soon realizing that it was his comrade's foot against his back. The feeling should have been frightening but it wasn't, he felt... safe, secure.

"Is this alright?" Jace asked, tickling the edge of the 'flogger' against his skin.

For the first time, Alec responded verbally. "Yes"

The younger Lightwood pressed his foot more firmly against the archer's back and swung the makeshift flogger downwards, the frayed leather biting at his skin. Alec sighed in relief and Jace continued, counting fifteen strokes before he decided to stop- before his brother broke.

"How are we doing?"

"Good, very good" the brunette admitted "But I'm not ready to stop"

Jace nodded. "I don't mind continuing, but I'm not going to tear away at your back anymore. If we keep going, the you need to turn over"

Alec was quick to comply, not wanting this feeling of serenity to go away. He was at peace for the first time in weeks and couldn't help but relish in the feeling that he was floating in a pool of tranquility.

"You can punch me if you want" he whispered, sounding frighteningly calm.

Jace drew the line there. "No, Alec- not right now, at least. We're going to do something different"

The blonde got down on his knees in between the archer's legs and set his hand on the older's chest, bending his knuckles and and scratching his nails down his brother's chest.

"Argh!" the brunette hissed, unprepared.

Jace did again, this time using both hands to rake across the skin of his brother's chest and abdomen. The downy hair's protecting the older's skin only made it worse, each stray follicle catching on the blonde's nails and pulling at his already sore dermis.

"Something else!" Alec pleaded, frantically "I need something else, something more!"

The younger man retracted his nails and brought his hand down to smack Alec's arm, re-grounding him once again. Once again, the archer's head went quiet and he waited for what came next- eager to accept whatever torture his parabatai deemed fit. But Jace's head wasn't calm; there was a hurricane brewing in his chest and his heart was at the very center of it, each beat matching that of Alec's. What he was doing went against everything he had been taught, everything he had been trained and the very vow he had made to the man in front of him. He had sworn to protect the brunette, to always be by his side and do everything in his power to save him... But maybe, this was saving him. Maybe this physical torment was doing for Alec what an iratze would otherwise do for a physical wound- a small amount of pain from a stele was nothing if it meant healing from a severe injury. And this was Alec's "iratze", this punishment was a small price to pay for the peace and serenity he gain after all was said and done.

And that was his responsibility as his parabatai, to do whatever he had to in order to protect and heal the man in front of him.

Now resolute, Jace leaned forward and delivered a striking blow to Alec's face. The older man was stunned and barely had time to brace himself as the blonde punched him again, this time in the chest, then in the shoulders, then his lower stomach, continuously going until the soldier was folding in on himself into a fetal position. Jace didn't know how many blows he'd landed and he didn't care- all that mattered was that Alec was okay.

"Alec?"

The older man was shaking and his skin was glistening with sweat, his face was hidden by his arms which were curled protectively around his head. Jace set a gentle hand on his parabatai's shoulder and asked again.

"Alec? Hey, you with me?"

He must have; his entire body language relaxed at the familiar touch of his brother, his arms were pulled away from his head and he stretched back out on the floor, taking a few deep breaths to steady himself.

"You okay, now?" Jace asked "I mean, I don't mean okay as in physically- like, I know you'll need an iratze after all that but mentally- I mean, are you in a better headspace right now or do you need-"

"Jace?" he interrupted.

"Yeah?"

Alec closed his eyes. "Shut up... you're ruining this for me"

The solider was tempted to make a snarky comment, to ask how the hell he was supposed to know what to do or how to act or what to say. Instead, he bit his tongue and once again focused on what was right in front of him.

"You need anything?" Jace inquired, fiddling with his stele.

The brunette shook his head, still happiily content to just lie here and revel in calm of this moment.

"Nope, I'm good..."


End file.
